02/23/2024 – Writing is a great freedom that everyone should enjoy. A blog, a website, a piece of paper on a cluttered desk. Writing allows a person to speak without interference and without compromise, even if others assign themselves to judge.
The following was written, because I think there are many people in my circumstance. So I can jump out and embarrass myself with my writing, while others can remain in silence until they are ready.
The second anniversary of my wife’s passing is coming up. It has been a very surreal couple of years. Diane and I were married for fifty four years and, before that, boyfriend – girlfriend. She was the love of my life, my best friend, my constant companion, my partner in everything.
Diane was a good Catholic girl. I deeply believe in God and Christ, but I am a little less committed to institutional guidelines, especially those that make me apologize for who I am on a daily basis, or admonish those who give, and reward those who take. So Diane had to be Catholic enough for the both of us.
How happy was I with our life? After Diane passed, within a couple of days, all of the reminders of her illness were removed; equipment, medication related clothing and supplies all went to local charities. They were not reflective of who she was, or what we were. Nothing else was changed, because I never felt denied during our life together. I think we struck a pretty good balance.
There was no sudden need to expand my closet space, change the grocery list, find a new look, find new friends, join social activities, change the schedule and cadence of the daily routine. For a little woman, Diane cast a giant shadow. She is still very much a part of me, very much a part of my thoughts.
When I get ready to go out in freezing weather to clear snow, I can hear her voice reminding me to put heat packs in my gloves, and to pull my goobalini over my ears. Every morning, she would greet me with the Channel 8 local news and weather. She was an early riser and I hated watching the news. Now, after being surprised with a snow storm, I watch Channel 8 with breakfast. Each day her wisdom becomes more and more evident.
The house has not changed, and it overwhelmingly reflects her. Why not? The house was for her to do as she pleased. We built it together, a product of our lives. We decorated together, picked things out together, put them in place together… Freedom, concurrence, consensus. I liked her. She made me smile, constantly.
Nothing came easily…
What got me through the initial loss of her, was holding out the distinct possibility that it was I who had died. Diane, on the other hand, was alive and well, and living with my eldest son and his family in Round Rock, TX, busy nurturing, guiding and protecting our children and grandchildren as she always had. That’s how it was supposed to be.
On the other hand, I was in Hell or, to be generous, Purgatory; an empty house, devoid of sounds and presence, devoid of meaning and purpose, days of eating bad food, nights of not sleeping, where the most meaningful event was doing laundry and fixing whatever broke. And there was comfort in that self deception.
And so it went on for six months, then six months more, then six months more, until this threshold of a two year anniversary. I intend to renew my lease on that concept.
Heaven and Hell
The notion of heaven and hell is a puzzler. I don’t see hell’s, or heaven’s characters, as clearly as defined by the Holy Bible… or even by the cynicism of Dante. I do not share a traditional religious perspective. I have no doubt that Fr. Lou Phillips, pastor of Our Lady of. Perpetual Help, will one day explain it all. He had all of the answers Diane sought about her faith, and he left her with peace of mind and in a state of grace.
Hell, to me, is that which we fear the most. I do not think it is about a fiery pit, intense heat or intense cold, or monsters with tails and pitchforks. Maybe hell is more like Winston Smith having his head locked in a cage with hungry rats. Being so terrified, he begged his torturers to stop and, instead, inflict the same torture on the love of his life, Julia. So maybe hell is a loss of love in the midst of an indifferent world?
I am not sure what heaven holds. The words in the bible are the words of man, complete with frailties, imperfections, ego, and wrong mindedness. Man wrote the Bible, not God.
In prayer, we praise the Lord and wish only to serve him and to contemplate his temple. My God has protected me and sheltered me, and has asked nothing in return. Would the benevolent God that created heaven and earth really need worship from the people he created? Would he punish those who did not follow appropriately by subjecting them to plagues, floods and pestilence? Those threats, that anger, reflect the characteristics of mortal men.
I think Heaven is devoid of all known concepts. There is no loss, just eternity. There is no language, and physical form does not exist. None of the words in the dictionary have a heavenly application. There may be democrats, but republicans are not aware of their presence. There is no long division or spherical geometry. But there are cars, running on sunshine and maybe drive-in movies. There are no Disney films, but Peter Sellers make a new movie every three months.
No, I think God and Heaven are something different, that cannot be defined by human words or experiences and it is different for each individual. There is no “one size fits all” eternity. I do not know, but Diane knows, and that would make her smile.
Beautifully written, Joe. Thanks.
Very nice article.
Hank Williams, Jr. tells a story about his dad (doesn’t he always) being asked how he is able to write so many wonderful songs. Hank replied, “I just hold the pen, God writes the song.”
While you say man wrote the Bible, it is the inspired word of God. I believe that! Of course, I also believe that Hell has non-stop accordion music piped in, 24/7!
Reflecting on what happens after our last heartbeat, in fact, enthusiastically investigating is important. Adam and Eve were placed in a garden and walked with God. They had immortal bodies until they ate the forbidden fruit. Death of perfect bodies and death of union with God. Jesus told the crowd that to do the works if God they must believe in the One whom he had sent to them. In 2 Corinthians 12 Paul gave a 3rd person account of his sight of Paradise, heard unspeakable words which were unlawful for a man to utter, and “glory”. Maybe there is more to learn of heaven tucked into the Scriptures. Why not believe in the crucified redeemer risen from the dead? Why risk missing heaven and instead finding the “outer darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
Ralph,
We all believe in what our life experiences, minds, hearts, and souls tell us. Not a word in my comments suggest I do not believe in Christ. In fact, I stated just the opposite. I am not afraid of living. I am not afraid of dying. Fear would be the last thing that would cause me to change my perspective. That would make me a disingenuous and unworthy servant.
Joe
Joe, I was saddened and moved by your loss of Diane. Your third paragraph contained your testimony of faith in Christ. I wasn’t speaking as much to you as others. I have dear friends who have lost a spouse in the past 2 years and we discuss life and eternity with sincerity. You correctly noted that the Bible does not dwell long on heaven or hell in any one spot. Fifty years ago my mentor challenged me to read through the Bible annually in addition to my regular Bible teaching and commentary reading (I am in medical sciences professionally). In those years of reading and study I have detected much that has to do with eternity. Your personal reflections will give food for thought. I wanted to encourage others who read your narrative to think deeply about their own eternity. Dear Brother in Christ, may God continue to give you grace and comfort. Perhaps your heart of sorrow is touching and ministering grace to others and giving them pause to think.
Ralph,
Incredibly considerate and insightful words.
Thank you for this. I’ve watched my father in law deal with the loss of his wife of 70 years and my mother dealing with the loss of her husband of 60+ years. Your words awake echoes of those experiences in me. May God bless you and keep you.
Thank you David and the same to you.
May God give you peace, Diane is alive in your memories. Different denominations have different beliefs about the sleep of death. I’m a SDA and we believe we Rest In Peace till the Lord comes at His second coming. At that time all who sleep in the Lord are raised in a glorified body and those who are living with the Lord are translated and all are taken to heaven with Him for a thousand years. The earth is left desolate for Satan and his fallen demons. Then after the thousand years are finished the Lord brings His host back to earth for His 3rd coming. Then the great white throne judgment takes place.
May God bless and keep you.
Derek
I am not conversant in the Seventh-day Adventist Church, Derek, but I thank you for the enlightenment, and I will spend some time reading to develop a more full understanding.